JB's 2 CENTS

I’m a great writer, but only when I’m inspired. What’s more inspiring than sex? My dirty stories have been known to bust a few long-distance nuts, but even though it’s the sex issue I’m not going to bless you readers with any trashy romance novels. I’m sure my mother is going to read this issue and lecture me about my depravity like last year. Plus, I’d rather write about the bitch that pissed me off at Jermaine Dupri’s Halloween party. Everyone loves it when I knock out the haters with a single swoop of the pen.

Her name was Nefertiti, so that alone should tell you something. I can take constructive criticism, but a wise man once said: If you don’t have anything good to say, keep your mouth shut.

Admittedly, having spent a few long days on the road, I was tired and not in a great mood to begin with. I wander around the party getting some shots of the DJs (C Styles and Mars, thanks for the shoutouts!) and celebs. Then, I sit down at a table way in the back, far away from everyone else, obviously minding my own business and wanting to be left alone. Here comes Nefertiti, snatching a magazine off my pile and handing me her business card. I have a camera around my neck, so she assumes that I’m just a photographer working for the magazine. She asks if I’m available to freelance, and sarcastically comments that “they” must not be paying me enough. I smile politely. Next, she starts flipping through the magazine and criticizing. The cover? “This is so corny!” There’s always room for improvement, but I’ve been doing graphic design for five years now and I’ve never heard it described as “corny.” It’s just an opinion, so I let it slide. Page by page, Nefertiti has a negative comment on everything. And yet she is still reading. The photo galleries? “Oh my God, look at how many pictures they have crammed together. How awful!” When she gets to the middle and sees the CD insert (which required hours and hours of manual labor by myself, Malik, and Mercedes) she wrinkles her face up in disgust and explains that she needs a different magazine because her CD is “cracked.” I explain that it is not the CD that’s cracked, it’s just the small opening in the clear adhesive sleeves where the CDs are inserted. She responds snottily, “I guess they can’t afford better packaging.” Finally, she spends a good thirty seconds attempting to rip the CD sleeve out and stick it in her pretty little purse. She isn’t smart enough to just remove the CD from the plastic packaging, so she gets frustrated and throws the entire magazine onto the floor under the table and storms away.

I like to give the underachievers something to aspire to, so whenever somebody pisses me off I give them a free subscription. Nefertiti may be reading this right now, so let this be a lesson to all you dumb fucks: find out who someone is before you talk down to them. I guess OZONE isn’t for everyone, but if you’re too bougie to appreciate a hustle, stay away from me.

A few of you are probably expecting me to comment on a certain indie record label owner who’s read The Art of War one too many times. I had a few choice words prepared, but I decided not to participate in the Jedi mind tricks. He already showed his true “family” values in Jacksonville; there’s nothing more for me to say. I’d also like to thank the guy who dumped his drink on my camera at Trina’s birthday party. Thanks for offering to buy me a new one, too.

Anyway, it’s been said that fame is a sexually transmitted disease. It’s true; why else would names like Monica Lewinsky, Paris Hilton, and Gloria Velez appear in our pop culture vocabulary? So, who better to talk about sex than celebrities for our second annual sex edition? Unfortunately, we weren’t able to interview everyone. Ciara and Shawnna both declined to discuss their goodies and pussy poppin’. The queen of dancehall filth, Lady Saw, was in a bad mood when we asked her to list ten ways to steal someone elses’ man, and Lil Jon declined to discuss his recent bachelor party on the record. But, we do have some controversial groupie confessions, Jacki-O’s extensive sexual dictionary, and some interesting stories from artists like Lil Scrappy, Camron, and Lil Wayne. All in all, this month’s sex issue will excite you, but ultimately leave you feening for more - just like the real thing.

- Julia Beverly, jb@ozonemag.com (Tyson Beckford & Benny Boom photos by Ray Tamarra)