GUEST EDITORIALS

RAP ON BLAST

Russell Simmons’ OneWorld Magazine has shut its doors. Although it was not widely read, it had been around for almost ten years. Things weren’t looking good: the former editor-in-chief quit when Russell wanted to force her to put his wife on the cover of the magazine, and ad sales were drying up. But even worse, it had become known as a gay-friendly look at hip-hop, which is funny because Russell had put the brakes on investing in VIBE Magazine when it first launced because its first editor was an openly gay man. This is an excerpt of the email Russell sent to everyone in the industry regarding the future of OneWorld:

“OneWorld is an enduring brand with a solid future and broad appeal in the media and entertainment space. We remain committed to the brand, and we plan to relaunch OneWorld in the near future. Stay tuned for the next act.”

The editor-in-chief’s email, however, didn’t hide behind lawyer-type bullshit and told the real story:

“I would like to thank you all for your help, hard work, and professionalism in the recent weeks since I’ve been senior editor at Russell Simmons’ OneWorld Magazine. But due to financial burdens that could not be overcome, OneWorld Magazine will cease operations effective immediately. For all writers who would like to know when and how much you will be paid for submitted work, please direct all inquiries to our publisher. For all publicists, please accept my apologies, but the decision to fold was beyond my control.”

The Source Magazine has slowly been falling off. It’s hard to believe the former number one hip-hop magazine has so much trouble when hip-hop music is bigger than ever. The Source has lost both their TV shows. Even though their awards show is now aired on BET, we all know that BET doesn’t pay shit. The Source has also been firing people left and right. They even fired their online department. Who is running their website now? It hasn’t been updated since January, and the message boards are overrun with the KKK, gay rappers, and ads for unsigned artists. They better act quickly before someone eats their food.

Erykah Badu has got another bun in the oven. The Grammy superstar of the neo-soul set is trading in her Afro wigs for a maternity smock. It appears she is trying to drop a baby by a different rapper for each album she puts out. But that’s not all she puts out. After kicking rapper Common to the curb for being too nice and failing to spawn a new progeny, she turned to virile Death Row gangsta rapper D.O.C. to knock her up. The D.O.C. used to be down with Dr. Dre, but he hasn’t put out a record since last century. Erykah’s first baby daddy, Andre 3000, has gone onto international multi-platinum fame with his group Outkast. He snubbed her at the Grammys by thanking everyone on earth except her as she was sitting in the front row. Now, I admit, this girl must have some magnetic shit going, but she really dug deep in the barrel for this one. I wonder who will be the next rapper to run up in this piece, Kwame?

 

OUR CHILDREN

Oh my God, someone do something! "Are the bars downtown letting the taps flow for our children?" That was the question posed by a local anchor on the late night news a few weeks ago. The "Problem Solvers" are at it again. This week found our heroes investigating the downtown bars and clubs. It seems a "concerned father" complained because his 19-year-old daughter, one of "our children," got popped for under-age drinking at a downtown nightclub. And so the "Problem Solvers" sprang into action.

Images of the lighted signs on a few downtown clubs, which I will respectfully not name, flashed across the TV screen. Hell! Brimstone! The signs of Satan! I saw the face of the Devil himself in one of those nightclub signs! Thank our fuckin’ lucky stars we have the "Problem Solvers," who sent an underage girl into those fiery pits to see which ones would serve her.

As I fought to restrain myself from putting my size 10 through the TV screen, I watched an interview of our "concerned father," a faceless citizen who didn’t want to be identified. Of course, the public had to hear about how wholesome and academic the 19-year-old daughter in question was. One would think the evil club owner pointed a gun at her innocent head and forced a mixed drink down her throat. Give me a fuckin’ break! Daddy’s little angel is probably flashing her tits, er, uh, excuse me, having a "wardrobe malfunction" at the beach during spring break as I type this.

Our children! It never ceases to amaze me how the general public falls for those two magic words—hook, line and sinker—time and time again. I’m sorry, but a 19-year-old is hardly a child. An 18, 19 or 20-year-old is an adult who is old enough to come home from a war in a body bag, missing limbs, and/or mentally scarred for life, but not old enough to have a drink. By the time "our children" reach their teenage years, if they don’t know what’s right or wrong and have some concept of the idea that there are consequences to be suffered for making bad choices, some parents clearly haven’t done their job.

Back to our undercover, underage girl. She got served in one bar, probably because she smiled at a male bartender or had a "wardrobe malfunction." "Our children" are in danger! Somebody close those evil places down! We have to protect "our children!" Of course, our underage heroine didn’t consume the witches’ brew, but dumped it instead. Whatever.

Ever notice how the "Problem Solvers" never investigate any businesses that buy advertising from the station? It seems the "Problem Solvers" always "investigate" the smaller businesses that don’t have the money to sue the station. Let’s see the "Problem Solvers" send someone posing as a buyer to one of those new car dealerships that advertise on the station, and report on how people get ass-raped on new car deals. Let’s see the "Problem Solvers" send someone posing as an accident victim to one of those law firms, and report on how those attorneys take one-third of the victim’s settlement for their services. Will this ever happen? What do YOU think?

Better yet, why don’t the "Problem Solvers" investigate what ever happened to those "highway funds" that the federal government used to pressure the states into raising the legal drinking age to 21? Funny how not too long ago, there was a half-cent tax on the [Orange County] ballot to solve our traffic problems, as if we aren’t being taxed enough already. In these days of state "budget deficits," why don’t the "Problem Solvers" investigate how the state could lower the legal drinking age back down to 18 (at least for beer and wine) to generate more state tax revenues and greatly reduce the bureaucracy needed to enforce the current senseless law?

Oh, we have to protect "our children" by putting them in jail for something they’re going to do anyway, regardless of the drinking age law? And how do we keep our bureaucrats employed? There’s plenty of trash to be picked up on the highways.

Hey club, bar and venue owners! You’re under attack once again! You should rally together to bring the legal drinking age back down, which would solve the problem in the first place. Local and regional bands and artists should play benefits to gather enough signatures to get such a proposal on the ballot. The only thing "our children" need protection from is the politicians and bureaucrats. – David Himes